This is a big departure from the entertainment and media-related reviews that I usually write, but it’s still very much a topic I’m passionate about. It’s also a special topic I wanted to tackle in honour of my 25th blog post.
There are a lot of nasty people out there. Sometimes they are outwardly grumpy and unpleasant and thus they are easy to spot. Sometimes, however, it is not that simple. For there are also many people who come off friendly and charming and lovely at first, only to gradually show off a much less pleasant side as you spend more time around them and get to know them better. These are the truly dangerous ones, as they are often quite sneaky and manipulative, and can lure others in with fake kindness and other false promises, only to cause a lot of psychological damage later on once they start to turn on their victims and abuse them.
Are they doing it deliberately though? I think sometimes yes and sometimes no. Some people are genuinely malicious and take a warped pleasure in tearing others down just to keep themselves propped up. Other times it is not so much outright malice, but rather dysfunctional childhoods and maladaptive coping techniques which cause so many problems for themselves and others. And oftentimes it is a mixture of both. Either way, these are the kinds of people you want to stay away from. A harsh yet incredibly valuable lesson I have learned over the years is that toxic people tend to remain toxic. As much as I might wish there was, there is no ‘fixing’ them from the outside. They will only ever change if they themselves recognize that they have a problem and they take steps to amend it, but that is fundamentally their decision and theirs alone. And sadly, many of them never will change, as they simply lack the motivation and/or self-awareness to take those crucial first steps.
It’s not that I don’t believe in helping others; I absolutely do. But save it for the people who will actually be receptive to that help. In other words, don’t lose yourself trying to fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. And I say this because it is a mistake I myself have made before, and a mistake I have seen loved ones of mine make too. Be it from giving up too much for a selfish person and ending up devasted because of it, or simply hanging around too long in an unhealthy relationship that should have ended a long time ago. To quote YouTube channel ‘Mental Healness’, “When you try to fix a broken person, you end up with a broken heart.”
But how do you distinguish between someone who is perhaps misguided and struggling in life but still well-intentioned, versus someone who is genuinely toxic and should be avoided completely? How do you decide when it is worth it to endure the speed bumps in a relationship versus when it isn’t? Well, if there is a silver lining, it is that these toxic folks, even the otherwise sneaky ones, tend to give off some pretty jarring red flags and warning signs if you can train yourself to know what to look for.
This list of tips was originally a private document I was making just for myself. But then I thought, you know what, I should make a blog article out of it, as perhaps others might be able to benefit from some of these as well.
So here it is. Coming from my own experiences, and the experiences of those closest to me, my personal suggestions on how to recognize toxic individuals and keep them out of your life:
1. Trust your instincts.
In my opinion, the most important tip of them all, and so it is the one I am putting at the top of my list. Trust that squiggly, uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach. Trust the hairs that stand up on the back of your neck. If there is something about a person or relationship or situation that simply doesn’t seem right to you, even if you don’t always understand why at first, then there is probably a very good reason for your uneasy feelings. Pay attention to that inner ‘Spidey sense’ of yours.
A simple litmus test; how does this person make you feel? How do they actually make you feel? Now, I’m not talking about something such as an occasional argument or a one-off bad day. But do keep track of how they make you feel long-term. Spending time with a friend or loved one should make you feel better, not worse. If they aren’t making you feel better, then something is wrong with the relationship.
And trusting your instincts doesn’t have to be exclusively about individuals either. It can apply just as much to social groups or communities, online or offline. Are you no longer enjoying that Dungeons & Dragons group or that dinosaur forum you once devoted your time to so passionately? Then it may be time to step away, clear your head of the negativity and drama, and put your focus somewhere else. It may be difficult to walk away initially, but your mental health will benefit in the long run. Letting go can be a very freeing feeling.
2. Beware of giving someone too many chances.
And this might be my second most important tip. One of the biggest reasons why toxic people get away with their toxic behaviour, is because the people in their life let them get away with it. All too often, empathy can turn into enabling.
Have you ever given someone too many chances? If you have, please don’t beat yourself up. It is a normal thing to do. I’ve certainly given some of the undeserving people in my life too many chances before. All the same, it is important to learn from it, and to eventually trade away some of those extra chances for stronger boundaries.
It is likewise important to recognize why we tend to give people or things so many chances. It often springs from the hope that a good-turned-bad situation will turn good again, or more generally the hope that things will eventually get better, if we try just a little harder and stick it out just a little longer. And sometimes things do get better. But learn to distinguish between when your hope is being rewarded, and when it isn’t.
The simple litmus for this one; does the person in question actually use their second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. chances for the better? Or do they just keep goofing up again and again, and in all the exact same ways? Sooner or later, it becomes clear that they are simply not going to learn for the better. The number of chances you decide to give someone is up to you, but you also have to know when enough is enough.
3. Learn to recognize behavioural patterns.
Of course, nobody is 100% perfect. Everyone has bad days and slip-ups from time to time. It is all part of what it means to be human. As a counterpoint to the above tip, you don’t want to give someone too few chances and cut them off prematurely when it could in fact have been a solid relationship or friendship. Even if someone does something seemingly problematic, if it only ever happens the one time, then it might not actually be that big of an issue.
The thing with genuinely rotten people, however, is that their bad behaviour is seldom ever a one-off. Their negative traits are fundamentally a part of who they are, and they are traits that will surface over and over again. Learn to spot the unhealthy patterns so you can recognize what to stay away from and so you don’t get swept up in them yourself.
4. Look at the rest of their relationships. How well do they get along with others?
If Amanda and Ben don’t get along, it doesn’t necessarily mean that either Amanda or Ben is a bad person. They might both be otherwise good people who happen to have a personality clash. Nobody in this world is a perfect match for every single person. We all have certain personality types that are compatible with us, and some that aren’t.
If, however, Amanda has conflict with Ben, Clarice, Douglas, Elsa, Ferdinand, and Grant, then chances are that something is not quite right with Amanda. Look for common denominators when it comes to people who have an abundance of troubled relationships. If you have one person in particular who rubs enough other people the wrong way, it is usually a sign that the problem lies with that person.
Also of note, are their lives full of constant drama? If conflict and drama seem to follow them around wherever they go, that too is a red flag.
5. Watch out for someone who lies regularly and tends to exaggerate or omit significant details.
The occasional lie is one thing. Nearly everyone does it from time to time. And the reasons for doing it can be entirely benevolent (such as not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings).
But if you notice someone who has a pattern (again, watch for patterns) of severely twisting and distorting facts or even making them up out of the blue, that is a surefire sign of a toxic individual. It means they are not trustworthy. The reasons for their habitual lying and exaggerating can vary, but one common reason is the desire to protect their image and reputation. Oftentimes these people will twist the narrative so as to make themselves look better and others look worse, and/or they’ll try to cover up details which would bring their faults to light. Or sometimes they might be trying to make themselves look more knowledgeable about something than they actually are.
Either way, if you can’t rely on them to be honest with you even regarding important matters, then chances are that dishonesty is not this person’s only significant negative trait. And that, given time, other such traits of theirs will come to the surface as well. Take their dishonesty as a warning sign, and keep your distance from them.
6. Take note; are they unreceptive to constructive feedback?
If you try and talk to them about something serious between you guys that’s causing genuine problems, how do they react? Even if you’re careful to word it in a polite way. A disclaimer that very few people enjoy having their flaws or harmful behaviour quirks pointed out (I certainly don’t), and so it is normal for someone to be upset at finding out this out. But ultimately, healthy and well-adjusted people will be able to learn from it, and will make a sincere effort to do better going forward.
However, does the person receiving the feedback habitually get angry and defensive, or otherwise invalidate, minimize, or brush off your concerns? Do they make no effort to improve and adjust their behaviour going forward? If so, then call it a day, and disengage from them so you need not put up with any more of their nonsense. Remember, a true friend will take the time to listen to you and will recognize your concerns when you come to them about it.
7. Look out for someone who cannot own their flaws or admit mistakes.
My own counsellor has mentioned to me multiple times that this is a big red flag right here. This is perhaps an extension of the above point, but it also applies to how folks behave in general, with or without you.
I have things I need to work on as a person. As you do, and as do the rest of us. And that’s okay. There are always opportunities for us to grow and improve. It is all about recognizing those opportunities and utilizing them. Self-centered and immature people, meanwhile, lack that ability. Do they regularly get into scuffles with others, yet insist on blaming the other party for it time and time again? Do they never seem to have learned anything from any of these bad experiences?
Take note of how they talk about their past. How often are they the victims in their stories? How often (according to them) was it the other person’s fault? And do they ever express any genuine regret or guilt or remorse for any of what they’ve been through?
At the very least, are they ever able to give an open, honest apology for anything they’ve done? Or are even those hard to come by? Remember, it is a sign of strength for someone to say, “I’m sorry.”
8. Beware of relationships that move too fast.
Take the time to get to know someone gradually. Fast-tracking a relationship can be disastrous. It is easy to get caught up in that initial sense of excitement and infatuation with a fresh new person in your life. But take note of what the relationship looks like once that infatuation period has worn off. How do you feel about things then? Be honest with yourself. Do you still enjoy the person’s company and appreciate getting to know them better? Or have some red flags begun to show themselves?
Everyone is different. There’s no hard and firm rule for how things should play out. Different people are comfortable at different paces. But please, do what is comfortable for yourself. If you are feeling pressured and anxious because the other person wants you to go faster, you might have a red flag already.
I want to put a disclaimer here that not everyone who tries to rush a relationship is necessarily a bad person. Some of these people are in fact very loving and well-intentioned. But they may also be clingy and overly co-dependent, or they may simply have a poor sense of personal space boundaries (more on this further below). Either way, even if a person’s heart is pure, the relationship may still be a bad fit in the long run. If it is, then it is beneficial to realize this sooner rather than later, before you get too knee-deep into things.
That said, rushing a relationship is also a tactic that manipulative people will use, as an attempt to get you hooked in sooner so they can better control you. If you are dealing with someone who is more insidious, that is why it is also important to…
9. Look beyond surface-level charm.
Sometimes you meet someone who seems awesome and sweet and charming… and they are! What you see is what you get.
Other times, what you see is not what you get. One of the most dangerous aspects of toxic people is that they do not always appear toxic on first glance. They are not always easy to spot. This is another reason why you want to take the time to know someone gradually. The more you get to know someone, the more sides of them you start to see.
10. Love-bombing; beware of fake kindness.
This too is a ‘look beyond the surface’ thing, but it’s a distinct concept of its own as well. It is also another potential pitfall of relationships that move too fast, as a relationship that moves too fast is more likely to involve someone who gets lured in with fake kindness, only to be abused later on down the road.
Love-bombing is something I’ve come to learn about and understand somewhat recently. If you’re curious to know more, I would suggest reading about this from other sources, as there are plenty of great articles out there that go more in-depth about how to identify signs of love-bombing, and what to do about it.
But the idea behind love-bombing is that someone will shower someone else with lots of outward kindness and affection and attention, with the goal of gaining power and influence and control over that other person. Love-bombing, despite feeling pleasant on the surface, is a form of emotional abuse.
How do you distinguish between a love-bomber, versus someone who is simply very affectionate? Remember that love-bombing is an empty gesture. A genuinely affectionate person is, well, genuine. They don’t have a hidden agenda. A love-bomber, meanwhile, is doing it to fulfill an ulterior goal of theirs. Still, it is no easy feat to be able to identify which of these two extremes it is, and it may only become truly clear in hindsight. Love-bombers are very convincing.
One possible warning sign, however, is if the other person is disproportionately affectionate early on in the relationship. A healthy love takes time to gradually grow and mature, whereas love-bombers like to lay it on fast and thick. In their eyes, the sooner they can control you, the better. See again, point #8. Another likely warning sign is if they were charming and affectionate in the beginning, but they turn nastier and colder the longer you’re with them. The love-bombing phase in a toxic relationship is exactly that; a phase. In other words, their grandiose gestures of affection will not last.
11. Recognize the trauma bond, and learn to break it.
This is another concept I’ve only learned about as of fairly recently, but I’m happy I did. It explains a lot about why it can be so hard to let go of unhealthy situations. This too is something I’d recommend looking up from other sources if you want to know more.
But the idea behind a trauma bond is when someone has developed an unhealthy emotional attachment to an abusive person or situation. Now, not everyone who gets abused will develop a trauma bond, and not every unhealthy situation will create one. But when a trauma bond does develop, it can be remarkably hard to break it. And yes, I have had trauma bonds myself before, so I can vouch for how unexpectedly powerful they are.
If you are dealing with someone or something that is regularly causing you pain, and yet you are still emotionally tied to it, and/or you feel unable or reluctant to leave, then there is a good chance that you are experiencing a trauma bond. Recognize the trauma bond for what it is, and know that true, genuine love does not consist of cycles of being abused and demeaned.
12. Watch for intermittent reinforcement.
A subpoint of #11, as intermittent reinforcement is a large part of what drives trauma bonds.
Intermittent reinforcement is when we receive rewards or other positive things at irregular intervals. This is different from continuous reinforcement, when we receive it regularly. As an example, say you have a big red button in front of you that you can push to receive a delicious Lindor chocolate. Continuous reinforcement would be if you receive a chocolate every time you push the button. Intermittent reinforcement would be if you only receive a chocolate some of the times you push the button, while other pushes give you nothing, or possibly even something nasty such as an electrical shock.
Intermittent reinforcement dysregulates us and messes with our head. Another reason why these toxic relationships can be so hard to let go of, as they are seldom ever toxic all the time. If they were, they would in fact be much easier to walk away from. But when there’s occasional positive moments sprinkled in-between all the toxicity and cruelty, it makes us crave those positive moments that much more, as it offers us a relief from those bad parts. It is this intermittent reinforcement which ironically can make abusive relationships much more addictive than healthy relationships. A vital step is learning to realize that this relief is a temporary and fleeting thing, before the cycle of abuse starts up again.
It is also related to why people develop gambling addictions. The odds are stacked against someone so that, more often that not, they will lose money. Yet there is just enough of a possibility of reward that people will keep at it anyway, in the hopes of eventually scoring a win. And if/when they do get that win, it will feel that much sweeter and more satisfying (even if they already lost so much money getting to it in the first place). A casino that gave people regular, consistent rewards would be pretty cool. But of course it could never happen because then the casino would lose money and go out of business.
13. Be mindful of consistent unreliability.
If someone is repeatedly unable (or unwilling) to honour social commitments, if they keep showing up late and/or cancelling at the last minute. The odd delay or rain check is one thing, but if there’s a clear and consistent (once again) pattern in making plans and then abandoning those plans, and the person shows no signs of improving or doing anything about the problem, then be on your toes. All the moreso if the person tends to make excuses for themself or brushes the issue aside instead of, again, actually apologizing for it. You need not give up your time to someone who clearly does not respect or value it.
14. Beware of boundary pushers.
Being a compassionate and well-adjusted person is a fine tightrope. There has to be a balance between respecting other people’s needs versus respecting your own. Some people are too selfish and uncaring towards others (the entire genesis of this article). Other people lean too far in the opposite direction; they try so hard to help others and they give so much of themselves to others, that they have nothing left to give themselves. And sadly, it is these individuals who too often get taken advantage of by the more selfish folks.
You deserve your own compassion and kindness as much as others do, and that means taking care of yourself too. Which sometimes means setting boundaries to protect yourself from further harm.
Setting boundaries is a vital life skill, but it’s one that is difficult to master. Even more difficult because of how situational it is. With some people, you don’t even need to set those boundaries in the first place, because the other party never crosses them. Other times the situation is more hairy. And different people will test your boundaries in different ways.
I will again refer back to point #8 here, regarding clingy people. In that, not everyone who tests your boundaries is necessarily a bad person. But sometimes they can demand a great deal of your time and energy, which can lead to unfair expectations and an uncomfortable dynamic, and then sometimes the clingy person can feel hurt and victimized when you aren’t giving them the level of attention that they want.
Either way, if boundary issues come up, you might try talking to them about it. They might honestly have not realized that they were encroaching on your personal space, and will be more mindful going forward. But if the other person instead gets angry and dismissive with you, and worse if they try to push against your boundaries even harder, then walking away or otherwise emotionally distancing yourself from that person might be your only other option. But it’s a valuable option nonetheless.
I will close this off with a lovely quote my friend, Lacey, shared with me once. It was something she said to me years ago, but it has really resonated and stuck with me all this time:
You know, one of my favourite childhood stories growing up was Hans Christian Anderson’s “The Nightingale”. I love that story. I thoroughly believe that the things that struck home to us as children become important correlations to things we experience as we get older.
In the story, the Emperor loved the little Nightingale so much. He loved its friendly company and hearing its beautiful song, until the day came when the Emperor was gifted with a mechanical bird, encrusted with jewels. He began to favour the fake one’s melodies and flash, over the real brown bird’s company. So the Nightingale flew away. Eventually the fake one breaks and the Emperor is left alone.
The Nightingale only returns after the Emperor has become older and sick, and regretting what he’d done.
We should never allow ourselves to be abused in any way. Even if we love them, and the times were good, we must love ourselves even more.
We must be like the Nightingale, and know when to fly away.
Excellent article. Wow, (and sadly), I could relate to a lot of those experiences / red flags in past relationships. But so freeing when you can identify those dysfunctional behaviours and actually extract yourself from a toxic situation. Well done!
Hey you! Thanks for reading. 🙂 I’m also pretty satisfied with how this turned out.